Big

I used to try to make myself so small

Like if I could fit into the cracks and crags

No one would see me

Huge and amplified

All my insecurities

All of my beauty

Would shrink along with me

And then maybe,

I wouldn’t have to be

 

So huge

 

Now, with my ideas

Now with my full moons and my love

Now with my wet eyes

Now with my thunder thighs

 

 

I used to try to shrink myself way down

A silver sliver that would slide into oblivion

Who would not have to stand at the grand podium of god and shine in golden shimmers of light and say

 

This Is Me

 

all my edges all my mounds all my might and all my insecurity

here I am, this is me, and

I am grown now

Responsible for my glory

I own my fate

And all this love flows from my hips

Again and again

 

I return

 

Larger toward the grand union, the one

Here I am

Big thighs

Wet eyes and all,

 

Here I am

 

For all to see.

 

On Leaving

When he left me, I was an uncorked bottle of primordial mud oozing down past the crust of the earth.

Flickering into earth worms and spreading my stench, like death, through millennia of dust.

I was the stuff of menstrual blood

A pre-lingual woman who squats in the dirt

Fermented heart and eyes like vinegar

Eyes like a jagged scream

 

Eyes just like no one ever knew me

 

-Eyes like the endless dunes of night….

And a mouth just as long and as loathsome as your tattered feet in flight

A Mouth as lost and hollow as the empty street light

 

That hung its heavy head like a bent (spent) poppy

and splattered shattered fragments of light across the night

Under the moon, by the river

 

The night we broke our promises.

 

When he left me, I was a shattered window pain

And the empty space of a forgotten name

 

The stars were all blinking out and it was I to blame.

 

 

 

When you met me

I was whole, as whole as can be

I was strong and miles tall but soft as a stream

And steady in my dreams

I was one woman and not half of one circle

 

 

For years that woman slipped away

Quietly

Into the nooks and crannies of your neck

But she’s come to call on you now

And tell you

 

I’m back.

 

Thighs like sledgehammers and mouth like a diamond

 

I’m back.

 

Flanked by wolves and scabs of night

 

I slip across my shadow, and tear long holes in my soul but its real and it’s me.

 

 

 

You are such a slippery thing, like a gust of wind you ripple through my hair

My fingers tare across the air but then;

 

You’re Gone.

 

I sit within the pool of my molten soul, so hot and cold.

You’re gone.

I wonder if you were ever really there at all.

 

 

This is the part where I grow strong.

 

 

We Are Praying

I

Was a babe

Blinking, spinning

Tumbling out

The soft machine of skin

Gave way to me

Again, again

 

I was a babe

Not knowing the course teeth of womanhood

Of course

Not knowing

The delicate balance of being and showing

Of grounding and growing

 

I was a babe and unafraid

My only point of reference was sweet love

No words plotted to box in my existence

To limit my reverence

To create a fate for me

 

It is late now but I see

That there’s still that babe in me

The round pewter and cream

The tarnished varnish of the dream

The drizzle splash and gleam

The soul that lives between

The skin,

the bones,

the dreams;

 

The most authentic bit of me

The ends that justify my means.

It is dark now, the veil is thin and I can see

The immortality in me.

The rounds from ground to sky to earth

The mound, to spirit, back to birth.

Nature, in her immortal beauty, reclaims your breath

Again and again

You return

You reach a pinnacle:

A life that burns

With purpose

 

You are newborn and anointed by the milk of stars

I am newborn, I am space worn

We are wartorn and this world is ours.

 

I am a child born in bones and skin

I am a child of stardust virtues and of earthly sins

And one of many

Scrying for stars in my tealeafs

Screaming out between the lines of injustice and corruption

Dreaming out between the minds of lust and trust and loving

Screaming and crying

Dreaming and scrying

Learning how to live between the birthing and the dying

Learning how to take the wake standing, sitting, lying

 

Learning

how to breath

 

underwater.

Coming up for air and breathing stars and musk,

Between the cycling dawn and dusk.

 

This is me and I am

one of many.

 

we are the warriors of the new dawn

we are praying to keep moving on

we are praying for disclosure

we are praying for change

we are praying to remember

the wisdom of our ancestors

our prayers burn the world like embers

and open up the ancient eyes of earth

this fire turns the land and offers up rebirth

our people are the hopeful menders

the fire tenders

our people are moon people

our people are bone people

our people are sun people

our people are stone people

our people are lying in the grass of self discovery

whispering prayers into the creases of each other’s palms

our people have strong hands that are lined in secret psalms

our people are a strong people to inherit the earth with all her bounty joy and pain

and we are praying to ourselves and all those prayers gather like rain

we are praying for our health

we are praying to ascend

we are praying for salvation

for the hate and war to end

we are praying for creation

we have a tear which we must mend

we are praying for the means to be justified by the end

we are praying to the everything, which is woven in impossible oneness, and nevertheless,

is.

We are praying to resurrect heaven on earth

Not for some, but for all

We are praying to the earth and to the moon and to the air

We are praying to each other to hold the light and take the stages

We are praying for our mothers, sisters, brothers,

For our lovers, for the witches, for the moon strung mages

 

We are not praying for some far off god to take a hand and mend the tear

We pray to the spark in each of us

To the thread that connects each spark

We are praying to tear down the curtains and light up the dark

To bring the babes, marching and dancing,

Scrying crying,

Snaking and prancing

Out of the dark ages and into the newborn light.

 

We are here to light a path

We are here to hold the door

We are here to stop waiting

 

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

 

 

 

 

To My Future Daughter

When I first heard your heartbeat, it was drumming out across the earth

It started deep, down in red clay

And worked its way on up to birth

When I first new you were coming,

Old trees bowed their heads to me

They had held you in their roots, you see,

And couldn’t wait for us to meet!

When I first knew you were coming, the wind wept joyfully

She was an old, old friend of yours

And she had danced among the trees

For many centuries

Calling your body up from the dust and your soul down from the stars.

My Emily

Theres a tree outside my window

And her name is Emily

Shes got curling pubes of mossy green and arms of ebony

Shes got yonis and stories and bark bitten memories

 

She’s got rooms in your heart even you haven’t seen.

 

Through the window pane she harkens me with fierce and barken beams

Can’t say how I know we share a name

But her lips!

They breath to me.

 

Whispering crinkly through the forest grounds, loose leaves leave and fall free.

Oh! My heart, my brain, my moon

My stars!

My Emily.

The Trouble With Being A Sensitive Pleaidean Soul Bourn Into This Earth To Help Transform It

Oh moon and stars

Oh great mother mystery

Oh higher self, oh god in me

Why have you left me in this place

Dropped me from the sky

A round peg into a square hole

What will this disgraced land teach my ever living soul

And why could I not learn those things

Safely in your starry bossom

How can I blossom

With this concrete lid

Orchids never grow on the sidewalk

And I may never know how to talk the talk and walk the walk

I may never wax fierce and fit the mold and pick the lock

And I may never have that roar

That all my friends think I need

I may stay forever a

Meak green unsprouted seed

Beneath a burning sidewalk

I absorb each footfall

And people say hey little seed why don’t you scream

And bear your teeth

And scratch

And I say I’m a fucking seed I have no teeth

 

Why do I burn burn burn

And yearn for a home I can’t remember

Why do my words

Catch in my throat

Like dying bees

Or sizzling embers

 

Oh mother

Oh father

Oh People magazine

And vogue

Why have you taught me to be mild and meak

I’m going rogue

I’ve got to speak or ill explode

There’s hatred in the water

They put fluoride in your dreams

There is poison in the medicine

There is runoff in the streams

There’s commercial propaganda splenda spam wam bam thank you ma’am chemotherapy media mcdonalds bullshit

 

There is Misunderstanding.

 

Misinformation spreads like oil over the masses

There is a big bleeding hurricane of racism

That everyday, gets fed

The icebergs are melting

The rainforest’s dead

And everywhere

Republicans roam the earth

 

And I feel this

 

I feel all of these

 

From my little seed

 

Beneath the side walk

 

Now I’m sprouting

And you’re doubting

The substance of what I say

You stupid genius

With your fingers on the keys

And your insults up your sleeves

And your opinion

 

Come at me

 

A crack forms along my outer shell

I am sprouting

Leaves curling into fists

And ascending into this mockery of daylight

Come at me

Lets ascend together

 

 

 

 

 

Shadow Work

I have walked beyond

The hungry gates of darkness

I have passed the bridge into the night

I have seen them

Swimming like minnows

Flickering, beating pin pricks of light

Floating with something more than gravity

Back into the tender eyes of source

 

I have called out to you

Across the long chasm of silence

Deep and wide and full of emptiness

I have shared my last loaf of light

I have walked

Naked and empty handed through the soul’s darkest night

My last crumbs fell across your shoes like stars

And hours, days, infinite moments, passed, as we grasped at fleeting light in the deepest patch of shadow

 

And here we stand hand to hand

Wide awake and open

Our veins uncovered

Our shadows outspoken

 

Twilight lingers where our edges touched.

 

 

I have read all the unwritten maps

Folding and unfolding

In every inch of my skin

I have walked through dusk and dawn

And I will tread this path again

 

I have wandered-empty-across the plain of darkness

And felt the weight of ripples

Ripping through reality like fingers tearing tissue paper

Echoing on every layer

 

The tide goes out

The tide comes in

The web is spun

The minnows swim

 

My eyes have seen

All my myriad lives spread out before me

Eternal, in every direction

The cycle unfolding

A circle, a sphere

We’re blossoming, molding,

Becoming more real

Multiplying faster and faster

The velocity tears the fear away, and the edges of your tears all fray, moaning into laughter

I have seen this, again and again

A million million stars hanging on to a web

A billion little pieces of blue glass

The darkest sky, the brightest stars

The night’s untold grey mystery:

She unfolds into day

The suns the rocks the stars the people:

We all explode

And fade away

I have watched the hills of many lives turn over,

Sitting on the bank next to you.

I have drank the brew and stirred the stew

I have faced the moon,

A stony mirror that hangs forever

In the ether

I have stood stone still

On the banks beneath her

Waiting for the tide to open up his arms of sunspeckles and seafoam

Waiting for the tide to turn

For the sun to burn

For the hills to bear their ancient bones

Waiting for the grandest celestial symphony

To loose the light and take me home

Dear Human

Dear Human,

You will get a heart. It will be made of butterflies and barbed wire.

And earth and moon and sky and break ups and forget me not’s and the little bell of Babies cries and tiny moments and golden eyelashes lacing the lids of your first Love’s moon blue eyes

 

It will bleed and break and mend

And send you over heaven’s fence

 

It will tear your fucking world apart.

 

You will hold up the carnage of your heart in your hands and think how you can never love again

But those moments will wane away and in time, your feet will find you at a door

The door will unlock a room in your heart that you’ve never seen before

 

In the room there is a box with a primordial spark

And it never goes out

This light never goes out

 

Dear human,

This is what being human is all about

We crash into each other like bits of flint

The heart sparks and burns and lights again

 

Dear human

LEAN IN

Wander off the middle path

Decompose your composure

Squander your security until your left empty with only eternity and a map in secret language

 

Dive into this

Naked, head first

No toes in the water

This life is meant to be lived

 

Dive into this

Write the story of your life in dew drops, tears, in blood and kisses

Dance in moonlight in the margins

Grab somebody’s holding hand and waltz right off the page

Hook your heart around the moon and lean into her gaze

 

 

 

When you look up at the stars you are watching ancient light

And those same stars that illuminate your sweet hands in the night

Course coolly through your veins

And blink bright out of your skull

There is a lullaby in the hull of your heart that only you can tell

And there is a darkness in your heart that’s dark as dark

And that is just as well

There’s a box that you can make in life; your own special hell

But there are boundaries you can break in life and places you can dwell

Where each breath sits up resoundingly astounding me as well

 

So gasp

Cry

Breath

Wipe your snot on your sleeve

Fuck and bumble

Sing and rumble

Pound a drum

 

 

Every hue of you

Each facet

Is alive

In this universal hive

We’re all swimming through the spark plug moon dew sky

Honey drenched and dripping

The whole place vibrating and rippling

We were running; now we’re tripping

We were gulping, now we’re sipping

We both drank the drink that dreamers brew

From sip to sip

From moon to you

We are crossing this ocean from lip to lip

One way or another

I hope this trip

Brings us close to each other

 

Just as close as we could be

When I am you and you are me and we

 

 

Are made of songs and light

We are made of sound and sight

We are logic, love and fright

We are magic, data, heartbeats and heartbreaks

We are Meta, moon, sun and might

We are tarnished burnt and bright

 

Dearest one

Throw down your heart and let loose this light

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suburban Holocaust

In my heart, there is a dark steep holocaust

Where suburbs grow like smoky jagged crystals

Looming sharp shadows that hang over my dreams

 

And in a tucked away neighborhood

Just beyond the trees

With the 3d printed houses where kids learn their ABCs

And skin their knees on their own little rectangles of grass and stolen earth

There, I tear my heart down

First

With an exhale giving up

I crush my compass at a chapel and resign myself to you

I burn my letters with a blue flame and I eat up all the ash

 

Lastly,

I tear my heart down

With a jagged piece of glass.

With a city and a street

With a silhouette of teeth

Where the paved down broken people meet and put all of their tokens neatly in the machine

It’s mostly silver and grey but there’s patches of green

Where the sheep all eat hay

And you lay down your dreams

And a man in a suit gives you a receipt and a child and a roof and a slice of rotten meat and everything you thought you were going to be burns away suddenly into cinders on your tongue

And the greenhouse gases from your dreams collect up in your lungs

And you struggle, something in you screams, but you keep climbing the rungs

And going to the grocery store

And washing your face

And tearing your heart out

Lace by red lace

 

You were a coyote

And a cactus with a crown

You were going to float around the world and make a lot of sound

But you sold your ticket and you gave up your crown for an insurance policy and a quiet place to drown

 

And you were doing just fine; all the knobs on your life support were beaming and bleeping

You were doing just fine,

You were screaming and seeping

And all your vital signs were right where we wanted them

You were going to quietly sleep through this life

With a suitcase and a wife and a summer home and an empty place to keep the empty electrical socket of your soul

And a shoebox and a Netflix account

And a rabbit in a hole

 

You were doing just fine until the sedative of slow emptiness wore off

And suddenly

You could feel

The teeth of the succubus slowly

Draining you out drop by crimson drop

and you cried out for more pain for more teeth

you cried out for a mirror so you could watch yourself bleed

you cried out for a time machine and a way to know what to need

your coinstacks all tumbled and you caved in your dreams

in your last breath you mumbled

but no one heard what you said

that last secret that you told

before your soul went to bed

 

but its been speculated

that the forest smiled that night

with dark and starspacled teeth

Maybe the world wrote off your taxes and granted you leave

and maybe the trees gulped you up

so you could finally breath.

 

Maybe you slipped away quietly into the dark sleeve of night

Maybe someone, somewhere flicked back on your lights.

 

Be Still Child

Be still child

And listen to the sounds of the stars

You came naked on the backs of the celestial storks

Writing fresh folklore with every foot step

 

You crept over the blue threshold

Through manifest and manifold

Through tumbleweed and milky way,

Starspray, and mothers milk.

You grew through eyes of needles and bundles of sage

You knew through rings of trees, through wings of bees

through amber sap and rage

You came upon this moment in the golden age,

Smoulder cheeked and comet eyed

And that

 

was just the start

you lit a fire inside your heart

and crept through fields of sleeping stars

to hang your moon on the back of a mountain

and open up all your eyes with a gasp

clasping all the impossible moments with tiny hands

you drew a circle in the sand and

somehow, it saved you,

As you gazed through the grey dew

and gawked at all the silver strings

strung out between the mundane things;

shoeboxes full of dustmites and eternity

and me

somewhere, in some imagination

as every layer of time pealed back

I was you and you were her and all the hands were dust to dust

And ether to ether

Grass and earth and stones beneath her

Ancestors and bones to teach her

 

Be still child

And know the nectar of nothingness

In the beginning times when you and I were seeds of stars our heartbeat was a future memory and the melody that the sun tells to the sky

Let this momentary lull within your skull be your long lost lullaby

Let the sun slide down your tongue

Let the moon be your window

Let the river run through you

The water is alive.